Plastic Heart

“And I made you for Myself”

And I made you for Myself - 20:41

I’ve been running for what feels like a lifetime and each step has only brought me further from the lies I once believed to be undeniable truths.

I thought the harder I fought for change, the clearer things would become, but they didn’t.

Overcome with anguish, I battled my dreams, though they were innocent. I challenged my beliefs, though they only guided me. I turned against others, though they were not to blame. In the end, I fought myself and in that struggle, I wrestled with my soul before Him and I’ve been wrestling with (i+) ever since.

“Tears mend what our hands cannot,” Mum showed me, so I let them fall until my eyes became the very color of raspberries but mum never liked red, each second felt like a fog settling in, heavy, blinding, and suffocating.

I spent countless nights contemplating the same questions, swirling around my head like a haunting melody. “Why am I in such a red place in my life?”

This is why I had to remove.

Sin-Mim-Ayn, these are the roots of the name of The One full of might, As-Sami.

Wala takunu kalladhina nasu Allaha fa ansahum anfusahum: do not be like those who forgot Allah, and so He made them forget themselves.

• (Al Hashr 59:19)

He hears the voices of all who are lost and broken, so He guides them towards a light they cannot see on their own.

Wastanaktuka linafsi: And I made you for myself.

• (Taha 20:41)

Can you bear the weight of every soul’s sorrow, if not out of love, if not to lift each burden off them. Could you do this for a hundred hearts or even for a thousand? But He…He has done this for billions, for centuries, with boundless mercy, unseen but ever-present.

Did you fall all alone? Did you let everyone down? Did you cry yourself empty, pouring out your soul? Did the tightness in your throat ever stop tightening? Did your heart shatter into broken pieces? Did you try to make it all right again? And did you fail in that also?

Well put your striving in a loop, for this battle with the devil is far from over. Draw strength from the essence of faith, letting it ignite your soul. Let it burn away the plasticity of the heart until it returns to its pure, original state. Until it bows in complete submission. Until it stands solely between you and Allah. Until you lift your gaze and behold the sun as it truly is, a sign of His Majesty.